Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Say No To "Dumpling"

To be frank, I really really have an eye-opening understanding towards "dumpling" today. You know why? Today is actually my driving examination and everything should be fine as scheduled. The first thing I am gonna do is driving up the hill and everything is going smooth as what I have thought. Then later comes to the side parking and three points turning, this is where the fucking stuff happened which turn me into a real full force bull. Let me make myself clear, I am actually having my New South Wales English Examination in school before I go for my driving examination. So logically I should dressed in school uniform right? You know what the fucking "dumpling" examiner told me?
  • Kamu ni ponteng sekolah ke?
  • Mengapa pakai baju sekolah?
  • Kamu ponteng kah?
  • Kalau ponteng saya tidak benarkan kamu menduduki ujian ini...
  • Kalau ponteng saya hantar kamu balik ke sekolah...
  • and bla and bla (sorry the "dumpling" speaks too fast and I cannot catch him anymore)

What the bloody shit you scolded me? It turns my mood badly. Another candidate after me is also a guy dressed in school uniform and he was not been scolded. Fine, I know both of you are of the same "dumpling" species.

What I am trying to say here is I am really gratify that I am not born as a "dumpling". In our history, Singapore had made a wise decision by not joining Malaysia. Let's see how wealthy and flourishing they are now. I sincerely hope that those "dumpling" know that the "hak perlindungan khas" for them is only just to spoil themselves. Furthermore, I am really sad to hear that "Malaysia Boleh!". This slogan makes me feel sympathy towards the country and sorry towards those "non-dumpling" who had worked so hard but yet cannot compete with those protected under the "hak perlindungan khas".

Saturday, July 18, 2009

徐佳莹

好久好久,没有遇到让我如此钦佩的实力派创作歌手。
徐佳莹,
你的《身骑白马》与《明知故犯》,
是我继陈绮贞的《太阳》与《鱼》后,
2009年度听过最完美的音乐。
我期待,
期待来日会有更多让我振奋不已的创作陆续面世。
感谢,
邦耀让我认识了徐佳莹,
再次找到音乐的另一面藏宝图。

失落的日记

此时此刻,听着那久违的声音,述说着那永远属于我们的故事。
我总忘不了,
那甜美的笑容,
那独特的嗓子,
那永远迷人的双眸,
一个完美的搭档。
在一个全新的环境,
一个人须要独自面对冷暖的生活,
不是门简单的学问。
我很自责,
我很愧疚,
我无法化为太阳,永远给你温暖。
我无法成为守护天使,永远在你身旁呵护你。
我也无法化为双臂,永远给你依靠。
但,
在海岸的另一端,
总会有一群爱护你的朋友,
永远在背后支持你。
而,
我会是你心灵最大的支柱,
是你,
永远最好的朋友。
耶稣会代我好好保护你的,
阿门。
-
Ohana再次完成了续篇。

Sunday, June 14, 2009

再次回归

两个星期的时间一转眼就过去了,明天将再次背上那深蓝色的背包,踏上学校的门槛,从回校园。把头往两个星期前望去,过得还算蛮充实、开心的。

最为难忘的莫过于我十七岁的生日,这是我首次与朋友们齐团聚庆祝,还蛮不错的。今年的生日非常特别,收到了三个不同的杯子,分别来自三群不同的朋友,第一个杯子来自我们班的“女人帮”、第二个杯子来自我的一名非常要好的朋友、第三个杯子来自我朋友群里一些活泼可爱的朋友们。三个杯子的到来不知道是不是种巧合,但是它们对我而言,在某种程度上对我来说都有着不同的深层意义,我满感动的。我甚至收到了来之纽西兰乌克兰的好友的来电,让我实属感动。这一次的聚会,有可能是我能与高中朋友最后一次的团聚庆生,所以我非常珍惜。

接着下来的几天,我几乎都在facebook的世界里畅游,有些许轻微的着迷。

在某某的一天,我忽然接到了远自纽西兰乌克兰的朋友的电话,在含糊的话语中,我可以清楚地听到她的感伤,想要回来与朋友团聚的无奈。在哽咽的对话中,虽然不是很清楚地听到她的咬字,但她的那一句“陈毅,我要回家,我真的很寂寞、很累,我很怀念以前所拥有的。我的心很痛,我很想和你们在一起。”让我无法忍着心中的感伤,在这电话里头,我也失声痛哭了。在彼此安慰后,句号为这令人感伤的对话画上休止符。远在马来西亚古晋的我,我会每天默默地为你祷告祈祷,或许我无法每天陪在你身边伴你渡过生活的每个节奏,但我不曾忘记你在我心里的地位,我会是你永远的朋友,只要你不嫌弃我永远会是你最好的倾诉者,一名肯听的听众。加油吧,奕婧,你行的!

昨天在学校里,我们中五的红新月执委们再次齐聚举办了急救练习。在等待的当儿,我们八卦似的坐在一起谈天。在经过近来的日子观察以来,我对朋友开始找回原来的自己感到有点欣慰。老实说,其实在他从吉打的生活营回来后还蛮恼人的。从原本稳重型的他转型到古灵精怪的性格让我有点接受不来。甚至还有些老师问我他发生了什么事?其实什么也没发生,只不过人家变得多话些罢了。相信在经过时间的考验下,原本的他也渐渐回来了。不在无厘头,也不再神经质。那天Han Nee说了句非常经典的话,“做回自己最好。”的确,现在的生活参杂了太多五花八门的染色,让我们非常容易受到影响,我们应保持最原貌的自己,因为那才是真正属于自己的特色,自己的特别。现在一切也即将恢复原貌了,感到的还是欣慰那一个心情。当然,我们的友谊也会是长久的,并经得起时间的考验与摧残。在未来的日子里,我们会继续相扶相持,一同渡过生活的苦与乐,并为理想而奋斗。邦耀,赶快找回自己吧,加油!

但愿主保佑。

Friday, May 15, 2009

A Melancholy Journal

I do not know what is actually happening on me. Today I kicked start with my 1st term exam with the Chemistry paper 1. I am actually well prepared for it, at least I think so. But when the time comes, my mind was in a blank. And no doubt, I had done a lot of silly mistakes.

Well, I can say I lost my self lately. I can hardly remember on what I have studied and come to the worst is I cannot even solve a simple question involving simplified mathematics calculations. Though I might be working hard this time, I might not score. I understand my situation well.

Was the sentence that I heard on the Mother's Day eve that curls up all my train of thought? Most probably this might be the main reason. Everyone has a limit towards an extreme misery, so am I. I think, I just need a good rest and have to find someone whom I can trust with to talk to. It is actually exam time now and I do not wish to interrupt any of my friends. So I might keep this for the next two weeks. I hope I can hold myself back and do not collapse.

Hedonism lost its colours in life
And is replaced by black and white
The blithe spirit lost its sight
And no longer be seen
Fervour towards laughter is curtailed
Melancholic melody is once be played
To take over your sunny aspect
And gaiety of spirit

Friday, May 1, 2009

Sacrifice

Looking at the stack of books that make up a hill
Sitting in front of the icy monitor trying to complete whatever you called it as assignment
You start to grumble around
You shout for liberty
And trying to grasp a breathe at the gap in between
When you understand what the true feeling of being fatiqued is
You lost your intention and notion as an optimistic one
This is how you may practise
But
This is strictly prohibited in my life
When you learn to sacrifice
It is actually an impetus to the shore
A glory shore after you conquer the ordeals that lined up all the way
The name of conqueror will appear on the hall of fame
From here
I deduce
“The highest level of learning is to sacrifice”

Sunday, April 12, 2009

生活的态度

两个星期过去了,我的双手依然那么沉重,眼神的虚假度更提升到了个纯熟的境界。恍惚的依旧恍惚,该来的该面对的,不曾认识“迟到”这个词,我意识到这是一种态度——生活的态度。

最近换了个房间,面积显然小得多,从而缩小了我的活动范围。四肢没了活动的空间,内在的思考模式自然取代了她。在那封尘已旧的角落,让我重新有了个思考的空间。

我是个平凡的人,热爱着些古怪的事物,这有异于常人的爱好,一副颇有角度的脸型拼凑了完全属于我的我。喜爱收集标价,在琳琅满目的衣物前会热血沸腾,心跳加速。凭着我那薄弱的艺术气息,总爱用着数码工具绘制一些创作,不会很美,但至少我知道抄袭是憎恶的。望着那没有呼吸空间的衣橱,我对衣着的舒适感与搭配有着严格的要求。对于乐谱上的黑白豆芽一窍不通,但不代表我没有听音乐的权利。我对音乐有着非常高的敏感度,在慢歌前我甚至可以真情流露。简单的,只要歌词浅白易懂,有内涵,在感人的旋律中徘徊,我就可以听出耳油,听出眼泪。

光阴一久,见过的世面自然也广了。虽然看到的人心不及整体的冰山一角,但我总爱细细咀嚼,一直回味及消化,这是我给自己的机会,一个成长的机会。

看到并了解太多了,正面的与负面的荡然并存,这该算是一种互动的关系吧!物都有两极,一正一反。但如果负面占据了优势,是该有理由担心的。我见识了好多的虚假,有时我在怀疑他们的能耐,功底怎么那么好?用一颗真挚与倘然之心待人不是很好吗?我看过有人用那带毒的苹果去怎样讨好老师,更看过有人如何用老师来借刀杀人。有违,真是有违人之本性与良知。尽管如此,我依然有完全放松戒备的时候,在家人前,在要好的朋友前,我会坦开我与外界的那扇门,“不信任”完全是个否定词。人与人最原始的沟通模式就是需要信任,一旦信任成立,就是真实的,不虚假的。感谢上帝让我除了在家里获得精神的寄托,在走出家里的那扇门后依然荣获支持,感谢那些一直真诚以待的朋友。

在社交里,我秉持“乐于助”的态度,是我赖以生存的要求。只要是朋友开口的,能做到的我就会尽力。不曾要求丰厚的回报,纯粹只是依我的良知而行动,希望换来比物质更为长久、更有价值的友谊。我总在助人的过程中学习,努力填满满腹空虚的空间,有时甚至会有意外的收获。人,总要不断加速步伐,没有前进没有进步,待别人赶上后,你就退步了。

最近的生活似乎更具挑战性了,我总化现实为隐形。在嬉皮笑脸越是绽放的时候,其实就是我更努力掩饰更重的压力与心里更深的痛。最近养成了一种转移集中力的功夫,总得不断提升,才足以应付那些灰色地带的心情。近来总爱在外头待着,管她是在学校、补习中心或购物场所等,因为那时总会挂上一副厚厚的微笑面具。这副面具在到家后就会卸下,重新面对那残忍的现实世界。这时我会栽进书丛里,不是因为我相信“书中自有黄金屋”,而是一种自我麻痹的动作。

言尽至此。

想了好久,不懂要为这没重点的文章冠上什么题目。有感而发,我想到了一个简单的词汇——《生活的态度》。

Sunday, March 22, 2009

珍惜

最近一位朋友的爸骤然离世
我惊觉原来人类是那么脆弱
说走就走
得知这噩耗的前一天
我在其部落格才晓得她爸进医院了
事隔一天
她爸就已...
-
我当下是有股想哭的冲动
不是因为伤心
而是感到惋惜
在她的部落格里
我看到了她的无奈与无助
想帮助她的爸
但
怎么也使不上劲来
-
妈的状况似乎没有好转的迹象
几乎天天都到医院报道
从她憔悴的双眸
我看到了病魔高举胜利的手势
我每日与高脚杯为伴
这是所谓的“愁”吗?
-
我有些支架不住了
强忍的笑容还有多少明天?
微笑的面具几时会破裂?
我一个人受
一个人看透
在这被边缘的界限里
有多少人了解我?
-
是时候珍惜了
不用多说
也不必再问
一切尽在不言中
天下间
有谁不曾失去?
但真正去体验并珍惜生活的又有几个?
这一秒所拥有的
不代表下一刻还是你的
-
亲情、友谊、爱情
我重复了无数次
不曾厌烦
也不会腻
能珍惜的我都不会放过
亲情是我对家人的疼爱
友谊是我对朋友的坚持与爱戴
爱情是亲情与友谊的综合
-
请不要让
“珍惜”
成为你失去的遗憾
成为吸取教训的代价
成为你永远都无法禰补的痛
趁你还没失去前
好好珍惜你身边的每一个人吧
家人、朋友、爱人

Monday, March 16, 2009

写给自己的歌 - 黄义达


从来就没有人问过我长大後到底要做些什么
放弃学业後如今什么都没有 没什么可以骄傲
现在写的每首歌对我来说希望可以被人接受
虽然很多人不了解我 可是至少我还有个梦
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
烟都抽的寂寞 酒里头带着忧愁
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
路我自己选择 我一个人走
我的家人从不知道我这几年究竟在做些什么
直到这几年我才告诉他们我正在追求一个梦
他们没有反对 他们只能在我背後默默支持我
害怕他们一天天的老去 我只想带给他们快乐
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
烟都抽的寂寞 酒里头带着忧愁
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
路我自己选择 我一个人走
我不想多说 随口说说 可能喝的多
我从来就没埋怨过 那是因为我有个幸福生活
虽然很多人不了解我 可是至少我还有个梦
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
烟都抽的寂寞 酒里头带着忧愁
我一个人走 一个人看透 一个人受
路我自己选择 我一个人走
我一个人走
烟都抽的寂寞 酒里头带着忧愁
我一个人走
路我自己选择 我一个人走

听了这么多首歌,不曾听到歌声如此赤裸,如此真实的声音。它的词完全描写了我的心情,配上了感伤的旋律,实在太美了。最近一直都在听黄义达的歌,他写实法的创作法感动了我许多。

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Mini Education Fair @ UNIMAS

Today should be a very nice Sunday when I can sleep til the sun is three poles high, but I had promised Miss Chai to join that what so ever education fair which spoilt my mood since early in the morning. Fine, as usual I received some "compliment" from my dad as he doesn't know where the place is. Lolz.

The first thing- lecture! I have nothing much to comment about for this lecture, a very usual lecture as the other lectures which I attended before. Due to that the topic today was something I were concerning about so I didn't doze off halfway during the talk. It lasted for an hour followed by another activity which let us to have a chance to look around and have some interactions among the undergraduate students here. I found out that some parts of the exhibition telling about fun facts engaged me the most. A passage written in spelling errors was pretty cool though I not really understand about the theory on how it works. It was a passage with all the vocabs spelled wrongly and it asked you to read through the passage. It stated that there are only 45 out of 100 people can read it which I don't think is very true because all my friends can read with ease.

Time flies. When the clock struck at 11.45am, we were given 2 hours for our lunch break. Well, me, Fabian and Melvin decided to enter the haunted house. But Melvin left the team without my notice. The haunted house appeared to be eerie when I first stepped into it because it was very dark inside as I couldn't even see my fingers. Well, I have some fun by "entertaining" those "ghosts" inside. First, I cheered to those who used hand phone to shine over their face. Later, I beat on a table back to a ghost who was doing that to me. It was quite fun but I were regretted that I came out in a prompt, I should take my time enjoying with those "ghosts". Pretty insane, haha.

Came to the practical session, me, Fabian, Boon Ping, Michelle, Chung Wui and others were assigned into Group C. We had a tour around the campus and I do find out that the facilities are not well supervised and maintained. The paint on the wall is shedding and most of the ceilings are broken as well. Luckily I don't see any leakage from the ceilings like what happened in the Parliament building. I don't think this situation is conducive for people like me to study here. Only a minor part of the students are Chinese and most of them are natives and Malays. What could I expect much from UNIMAS? A university ranking the top 50 in the world which then drop til the 220th position. There are reasons behind for everything that happened, I have no need to explain much as this might touch on some sensitive issues. By the way, specimens inside the laboratory were just enough to impress as I never seen these before. This is where I gained most of the scarce experience and knowledge which I could hardly obtained in my daily life.

Finally, came to the end of the fair. Fabian represented our school to say a few words. A short yet strong points made up his speech. I went off sharp after the closing ceremony as my dad was waiting me outside. 20 minutes later, I was sitting down in front of my lappie writing this post. It is indeed a long one. I have to clarify that what a wrong mindset I had in the beginning of the day, this fair was actually a very beneficial one for me.

Friday, March 13, 2009

陈绮贞

好久好久没好好欣赏这么一位有品的歌手了。是的,她是陈绮贞。独特的脸蛋儿里透露出她的深藏的气质,然而最为我津津乐道莫过于她那非凡的创作天才。出道的这些年里,所发行的专辑都是极品之作,我爱死了。睽违了三年,陈绮贞2009第5张专辑——太阳。这张专辑采用了简单优美的旋律,配上了木吉他的伴奏给成熟的作品被赋予完整的生命。我十分喜欢《鱼》、《太阳》与《狂恋》这3首歌。无法用言语表达这些歌曲的美,因为它已远远超乎了形容词所能形容的。陈绮贞充满感情的声音自由伸展、情绪完整并展现最真诚的时刻,这是一位优秀的歌手对音乐的坚持与态度。

有时间的朋友们,这里可下载
《太阳》   
《鱼》
好好欣赏吧!

需要与想要

好不容易渡过了两个星期的考试,虽然只是简单的小考,我却看得非常重,想必我对学业的要求变得严格了吧。躺在床上,往窗外望去,原来天空是那么蔚蓝,如清水般清澈。原本是想入个短眠,但脑子里紧绷的神经线却丝毫不松懈下来,有点辛苦,头开始痛了。十五分钟过去了,睡意随着时间的消逝而冲淡了。简考的结束印证了中考与高中考试的跫音近了。脑子里出现的画面越来越模糊,浮现的尽是些不快乐的事情,想着想着,我对我需要与想要的,终于弄清了方向。

起身,坐下,提笔,开始写了。

好久好久没好好写一篇文章了。我把这两年来所作所为、所见所闻,好好地反省并作了个简结。今天的思想中心围绕的是在“需要与想要”这个主题上。生活基本上在这两个词里形成了互动。“需要”指的是延续生命所需的必要元素;“想要”是一种生活的态度,在意的并不是必要的元素,而是要让生命过得更好,有者甚至用其为炫耀的一种后备或武器。

简单的拿个例子来说,我们每日三餐,基本的生活起居——衣、食、住、行,都是一种需要。是的,这都是身躯的满足,而并非心灵上的慰籍。非常感谢上帝让我生于这小康之家,生于斯,长于斯,所得到的远远超乎我所需要的。我是该满足了。但是,接二连三发生的事情一直在考验我心灵上的需要。现实社会仓促的步伐由不得我,每日与家人相伴的时间随着这趋势渐渐缩短了。不时拿起往年的相簿翻看着,想起童年与父母百分百相附的时刻,心里萌起了一股寒意。今时不同往日,与家人相伴的时候不再像以前那么多了。早上在学校;下午在空无一人的房子里;晚上在补习中心,这就是生活。与家人见面的时间,屈指一数,也只不过在车上或在饭桌上那短短的一、两个小时,这时间对我来说实在太少。

再者,母亲的生理状况不佳,一度休假几天没去上班。看着她那消瘦的身子,我的心情总是沉到谷底,一振不起。有时想起了不禁号啕大哭,深怕天公不作美。然而,忙碌的课业也无法让我有多余的时间伴在她身旁,聆听着她那耐人寻味的故事,并将心事吐之于她,轻松地聊个天。即使有空暇之余,妈大多也在床上歇息着。有时我按奈不住内心的悲动,一个人独自躲到房里,试着将眼泪往肚里吞,听听陈绮贞的歌,试着将自己与音符融为一体,喝着被稀释的红酒,试着将烦恼给忘却。

执着,太执着。

曾经,我执着于旁人的眼观、执着于我的中心思想、执着于太多太多的事情,现在我敞开了双手,才发现原来海洋那么辽阔,天空那么无际。高中初中一时,我曾与家里闹别扭,放弃了所有的东西,费尽了精神,一心一意为某个团体付出,不畏劳苦,求得只是那么一职。但是幸运女神从未向我微笑过,一度的失望曾让我想离开。最后,我还是不情愿将我付出的一切废于一旦,选择留了下来。是的,我错过太多太多学习的机会——无法参与国际性的露营、无法带领操步的团队去征赛、无法作主决定任何一件事情等。。。同时,基于我的执着,我放弃了其它的社团,到头来白忙一场。我那时承受的压力,不只是我个人的因素,家人也曾一度阻止我参与校内任何的活动,可说是禁足。崩溃到了极点,一度想放弃生命。那一念之差,曾狂啃止痛药,好让自己的头痛不再那么痛苦。庆幸的,被妈及时发现并阻止,防止悲剧的酿成。我所想要的只不过是个藉口,给自己磨练的机会其实在远方正等着我去挑战。

我感谢并庆幸所有一直在我身旁陪我走过的朋友们。没有你们一路上的支持与鼓励,我也没有机会在此与你们分享这则文章。“朋友”在我人生词典里永远是最重要的两个字。虽然曾经数落别人,但我却从不背叛友谊。这是我一直感到骄傲的。

我两年里,真的锐变了。从思想到行动,都有所成长。我好比一只蜗牛,在跑道上慢慢向前摸索并前进,试着抵达那看似永无尽头的终点。不畏怕粗糙的路面,不惧怕火红的太阳与疾风,背负着重大的躯壳前进,并相信曙光在不远处。同样的,我也背负着理想,在曲折的路上突破重围,抵达幻想国度的彼岸。

“需要与想要”,自己好好衡量吧,有一天,你会晓得其中的奥妙并在自己的学习国度里迈出一大步。

感谢主。