The Second Time

He replied my message as if nothing was found abnormal. Maybe I did not belong here, not even from the start. I am just getting more left out maybe it was me who started isolating myself. I guess it was a deviated move I tried to keep myself alone, nobody had ever tried to understand the social pressure which kept my head down. Tail was so far away I could not convey my message properly and worse still she could not decipher the complicated situation well enough. People whom I expected the most rendered the least. But those I did not had intention with, lent me an ear to hear and a hand to pat on my shoulder. I was discouraged at that time. I spent my thoughts to think for a best christmas gift which will serve its purpose to embark our friendship which is extending into our third years of studies, I tried to make it worthy that will last along with our friendship. Finally we are assembled again this week but I prefer it better when we were apart all over the world. It does not make any difference when everyone is physically present or not. I do not know who or what should I cling onto now. My heart has grown so strong to on par with the people I socialize with in my daily life. The little foundation I laid to sustain my long term vision has shattered bits by bits, further and further, maybe it's time for me to look for new blood whom I can entrust for this crucial time. I need a really really strong team and people with burning passion. Sorry dad, I know you have invested a lot on me wanting me to excel one day and to inherit what you have built up but what I am doing now is exactly what you were doing decades ago. Like father like son. 

I Lost Faith

I am impressed by how these people run errand. Just about a year ago, it was my first time to get in touch with this matter. Back then I was quite assured that I had nothing to worry about - this is Singapore, a first world country, the only Asia's country tops the least corrupt government, the best livable city in Asia, everything is on the lead based on the meritocracy system. I was so amazed by how this tiny dot achieved such as exceptional quality of living until I found out that meritocracy was not a norm here, it only seems to be. I have been through it myself for almost a year and have been taking the looks how people threw at me, how people mocked behind me, how high my parents' expectation was, how strong my ego was... ...I always told myself "everything is going to be alright, this is an obstacle God throws at me aim at turning me stronger." Even with my constant self-motivation, I would have lost myself without the guidance from her. She was the only one who stayed by my side when I almost gave up, when I almost lost all my hopes in everything I did. 

Today, she has finally given up. My core psychological and spiritual support all these while has broken down. If the person who has always been supporting me is falling, it means the impact was too strong. Even the toughest shield is corroded by the most ruthless weapon. The same thing happened again this year. The only difference is the buffer period is so short we do not even have time to appeal for a second or third time. In addition to that Z is now the so called "overall-in-charge" he has authorisation to give a pass or red card to all the applicants based on his special formulae. Even after we submitted an appeal he beat around the bush and replied with a well worded email. Of course I am upset, I have been through exactly the same thing. Last year, I had few days to collect evidence for appeal purpose and had enough time for the "panel" to consider . He is clever enough this year that he cuts short the buffer period so the risk that changes might incur to the list is reduced to minimal. He is the mentee to my mum and key person of DPE IMPACT, she has lost her credibility in students. It will be more challenging to attract juniors to the club in the future because what we promise is always empty ones. I have to admit that Z is a very delicate person and in the world of politics, people like him will not fall or barely will.

I am shocked when I received another email this morning. She always told me she wanted to quit but yet to see any actual move from her. I know her well. She always complaint how tired and stressed up she was but she never stops giving herself in rendering her maximum effort to make sure every DPE event runs smoothly, more importantly she wants everyone of us to learn and improve from where we are short of. The nightmare finally happened today. I know it was for real. If this relinquishment is sought after, we are going to lose a huge pile of morale support. I cannot imagine DPE juniors' future. There will no longer be anyone to stand on students' behalf, to speak for our welfare.

I am sorry there is nothing much I could do to counter this upset situation. I tried to scrutinize your CCAs transcript and furnish it to look more convincing but... It is not that you are not good, it is just that you luck was not there that he has chosen you to be the scapegoat like what happened on me. I can feel how exactly it feels like in your position but embrace through it. Time will eventually fade away the pain. Focus on studies and I believe result is what we are more concerned with. 

I am so fed up I do not anticipate to Japan anymore. I do not feel proud of it at all. Behind this internship it is all about filthy procedures, dirty tricks and all the bad ingredients which degrace one's personality. The reasons why I am still holding to it are for the fame of DPE IMPACT, the sacrifice my mum has made for me, the expectation of my own parents and of course to crush you down, if possible.

I hope karma is true and will strike you one day.

697th

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