Today the list is finally out, and it wasn't the list which I knew before this. I believe at least 2 new people have been drawn in and somebody has been ousted and I am the one being fooled. Before I write this post, I have been thinking hard whether to encrypt this post or to make it public as what you are reading now. Ya, I chose to make it public because I think there are too many dark sides inside the school politics and my part is just like a tip of the iceberg.
This afternoon after the list is known, I immediately rang my foster mum which sadly she couldn't pick up because she was in the middle of an external conference. I texted her later and every reply I got was a big astonishment, just like a continuous flow of waves with great interference. I discover as it is actually nothing much to do with my boss and assistant boss as I have been constantly working closely with them which I think they won't be cruel enough to let me vanish into thin air.
I wasn't blaming anyone else. Whom I blame is me myself. Initially I have put my mentor in difficult position as I have upset the proper procedure to pull in 4 people through the "under table" channel to the interview, and from the final outcome I see today, I have successfully pushed 2 of them into the final confirmation. I literally turn nothing to happen. Of course, what I have done must have upset my mentor as 3 of them are from my class which he later received notice from my boss to inform the earlier 4 for the interview session. I believe this incident could have greatly halter his opportunity to get his promotion. My mum has always tell me that my mentor is not a light and simple character, he has certain background. I am not aware of this despite the saying.
So now I understand "don't judge a book by its cover". People may appear to be helpful, cheerful and informative, in fact they are just observing you and trying to hide. I actually facebook chatted with my mentor this late evening and he said "I was initially out of the list but due to certain reasons, they decided to give me exemption and to give me another chance". It sounds like I should have appreciated rather than whining and bury my head under my pillow to tell my disappointment because I am extra, ya I am EXTRA, I wasn't even in considerations since the beginning. Why did you lie to me, is it too secretive to tell me the truth that you shifted me out?
Oh well, first I am the head of student leaders for my course. All the while I believe I have been performing well and behaving as how a leader should. I am a straight 4 pointer and was a top student, I have cumulative CCA points of more than 20 till date. Even if I don't rely on my position, I still hit all the top notch criteria to be selected.
I admit I was in great furious initially when I learnt this, but now I have calmed down (after drinking few cans of Carlsberg and Heineken) so I won't hate you. But you have developed a barrier in between us, when I encounter any problem, you won't appear first in my mind anymore. How you really define a mentor? Even at harshest time, I believe mentor is to guard all the mentees despite the risk of being sacrificed. Why? Why you couldn't have a heart like my mum whenever you are doing something, your starting point is for our sake, the sake of students, especially those registered under your name.
What I yearn is I just go through a normal procedure like anyone else. I do not want to come to this point where I need to do appeal again to gain entry into the list. I believe I still can make my way to the final destination but with a little bit of twisting in the process which I wish I could skip it. I wouldn't want this to happen if I were given a choice. Since young, I have never failed to achieve what I want, be it academic results, materialism or anything it could be. Once I set up a goal, there is no way but to strive it.
A lot of things I still have to depend on my own, I have learnt a lesson today - Independent rather then dependent, trust is only established for the one who deserves the most, not everyone project into your eyes.
For God Sake, I just need a moment of peace.
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