I Am Back For Real!

I have finally touched down Kuching two days ago, not exactly 48 hours since I only landed on Sunday night 9pm. What makes the difference was the immediate breeze I took in when I walk out of the arrival gate. Home is still where the heart is. Dad, mum and brothers were inside the car to welcome me and it aroused the homy feeling I would never find in Singapore. Went home and had grannie cook as, I don't know I should call it dinner or supper but food. At 10pm, I drove out to town area meeting all my fond secondary schoolmates and yeah, I love the gathering. Gonna be back here for a month plus, I am planning to do lots of reading to compensate time I lost in Singapore. Also, will be assisting mum in some financial stuff but will mainly focus as a tutor at Madani. As seriously, I sometimes love academic stuff over financial matters, at least let me enjoy it at this stage. Later part of life after I graduate from tertiary study, I will have a full focus dealing with finance and so.

You Still Inside The Heart

Leaving again tomorrow. Despite the fact that I am coming back in 7 days time but leaving apart from the same city as you can never be not heavy. Even though this is a study week and we don't meet as frequent but conventional texting keeps the heart beating.

You know how much it means and how important you are.

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My Home is My Heart

Back in Kuching and I can't find anything better than my very own bed. Riding on my very personal lion roaring across the streets. Playing around with my cats and can't help stopping it.

Everything is so laid back and enjoyable. A short period to recharge and prepare myself for the very final gate to gain entry into Europe.


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That Particular Line

I went to hunt for that line. Thinking the severity it might be, it seems that I am just over sensitive or perhaps it has been further amplified beyond exaggeration which boils my hurt. Never, you would understand what I think again because a fair line has drawn in between. The night we loitering around the park trying to drink and unwind the tangling vexation hoping it will varnish into the thin air. These scenes though flashing vividly around the pupils but they are all past. Reading from line to line, I know I have been constantly updated on the progress but mind me to forget the interval between each update. It was hectic. I am only be updated when I show colour which the reason is not even because I was outdated. I know you always opt for the best win-win solution that would benefit both parties. At certain instance, I believe I failed to build up firm foundation of trust on you the day I received skeptical comment. Being silent is to observe when will my hypothesis and assumption be proven. Be it established or disproved. I will render time to judge it's dignity. I am clear of the fine line and make sure it will never be broken. A broken line although can be sealed by adhesive but it could never as good as the original.

A brother for life.

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Evaluation

One day I will evaluate myself and the importance of your existence. I will persuade and convince myself not to be ignorant again.

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Emotionless

I just don't know why I lost the faith in you. The moment when I find out more about you, the more I feel tired to initiate a convo with you. After completing last few errands which have indirect connections with you, we shall walk in opposite direction. To you, I am emotionless.

Maybe It Ends

I couldn't find your link anymore. Where did you move to? Or maybe I don't even have your address saved in my contacts. This is the second fall we spend together but I prefer the old you when solidarity was virtue. Because I have learnt to be more independent thus distance is widen. Even a golden triangle lost one of the lines, it can still be a beautiful straight line. Let time wash away the pain, let the melancholy memory fade in this mockable history.

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Shit

I think you are a batu api
And I fell into your trap

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NDC Aftermath

Practically tiring today, but at least I didn't miss any lesson. Even if I have to miss the MFD lecture, I don't think it bother me much because I usually sleep during that lecture. All the craps lecturers of this sem demotivate me to study. I foresee this as a threat to bear a fruitful me.

I was in total astonishment and stressed this morning the moment when I recall that I supposed to wear long pants instead of shorts at the bus stop. JJ's reminder text further wind up the already tensed nerves after I boarded the bus. Situation gained worse after I arrived the venue where it seems that I was the only one exposing my legs in the air. I was in great dismay although I didn't really show it up as I think strictly obeying instructions and rules have became very crucial in part of life to keep up with personal's discipline. This really shows how much attention I rendered during the last mass meeting and has indirectly proved that there is still a gap for perfectionism to be totally achieved although this seems impossible.

Flipping through the second page of thoughts, I seriously think that this year NDC wasn't as crowded as last year's one. As I can see, those performers on stage were actually singing and dancing mostly to entertain the committees and EXCOs as I see a wave of red and orange waving around. I don't know whether this is our part which failed to conform a good publicity. But the answer will leave unknowingly unless thorough inspection is carried out. But due to my understanding, I think it could be something to do with the common test week which most students would not be bothered by this kind of event.

Overall, I do see this event running in success. But from my point of view which I had attended the mass meeting twice and committee meeting once, leaders who supposed to make execution were overtook by some more outstanding members. A scenario where committee members could drive the decision and outcast the head. During the evaluation, some gamers reflected that there was glitch as in the lacking of manpower but I don't understand why we have around 60 the so called elites around and this problem still persist. In secondary school which the most significant event I had organised was a state level (involving the entire Sarawak) camp and at that time we only have about 32 committees with some ex-EXCOs coming back to aid us. Today's event was far more smaller in size compared to a camp as we only need to accommodate for games, prizes and performance. Neither food is prepared or served nor accommodation is needed. And I don't know whether there was first aid team on standby today, if it was I am glad, if not I assume what I reflected was just for the sake of nodding. In general, I rate this event 3.5/5 and myself 2.5/5.

p/s: I need to forget the past because anger wouldn't stay long if I stop pumping fuel to myself. As simple as a person die from starving if he is not supplied with food. You know exactly what I am thinking and I need not to reply. If you could, you should be able to scan my mind and understand what it thinks and what it makes to give you cold response. Guilt started to build up as I think I am the one making mistake.

When It exceeds The Point

When it passes beyond the point of limit

I will just fuck care

When I hear something from others

Which I supposed to hear from you

It is very saddening

You walk your shiny path

And I walk my pathetic story

And this is how you response in return

I don't really mind actually

-

p/s: I dreamed I walked under the London Bridge and unknowingly having lunch in Eiffel Tower. After lunch, I walked out the restaurant and I was inside the Colosseum of Rome. While snapping the fascinating scene, I felt the ground started to wobble and when I look down, I was standing on a Gondola travelling across the Grand Canal in Venice.

Randomness

Best Longchamp advertisement/poster ever

*sweet couple of the class*

当漫长更漫长

看得见，却摸不着。一行行肃立着，以白为背景，以黑色的盔甲，在难以辨别的无奈下，为将军们画上绚丽的衣裳，盼许着凯旋而归，胜利的瞬间。看似渺小，却背负着积少成多的古典智慧，欲腾龙驾凤，非得费上相当的牺牲，混杂着被忽略的心灵对话。缺少了解，是失败的原因。明明晓得问题的根本，但无从对症下药。这是一个问题，问题中的问题，是考验所在。明白却无力，是在综横交错血管中最大的阻塞。灰暗的灯光，拉长着徐徐的背影，衬托着影子的背光带着梦想的寄托，影子中死气沉沉的静态，粉碎了白日梦的无知，徘徊着的当下，找到了生命的灰色地带。