This afternoon when we were inside the lab discussing about the design of snap fit we had this conversation. Came across all the worst case scenario that could happen, asking me to ditch whichever plan A, B or C that I could think of. I told myself I don't want to spend the last 6 months just like that. Although sometimes I would feel good to lend a helping hand in making some of the events successful. Can I just be a more selfish? Were I too generous? When I was still stoning with all the W-questions whirling around my head, I heard a pin drop silence which immediately hooked on to my nerve, I saw a shining reflection rolling down the cheeks which left me in panic at that moment. What happened? Another round of question marks dancing around my head. Then she finally spoke.
...
I was left speechless. Not very long, but a moment which was enough to be awkward. She expressed her concern on how we have worked together all these while and had made all the tiny possibilities possible. Even if it wasn't to compensate the sacrifice I have made, I am still fit to have my name pinched on the list. I have never doubted my ability until recently but she quickly restored it. She gave me a strong dose. She wanted to reassure me it's gonna be alright despite the already jeopardous situation. Nothing within her or even his control, but... I think I better not say anything bad about that person. Took a deep breath and I looked up to hold back any possible embarrassing moment. I learnt that the only hope was gone, like a tiny ignition on the candle in a cold shivering snowy night blown off again. This time round for how long I don't know. Until the "yes" or "no" answer is known, I am basically mentally tortured every day. I am not sure how long am I able to take this, but superficially there is something called mask which you can put on. And then we were back to the conversation again. But it ended up with all the pressure on me because the opposite situation was I am the one giving consolation to ensure her that I am all fine and worry no more.
...
At that very very very moment, I wanted to give up.
I went back to flash back all the conversation we had earlier this year.
23 Feb 2012 -
12.22.09pm
"Haha it's ok, kind of giving up edy. Please check ur email regarding the DPE new committee interview stuff"
12.23.09pm
"K. Thks. Never give up. hv 2 fight for it."
12.24.20pm
"I just feel myself too weak and vulnerable in front of adults' politics"
12.26.56pm
"U wil b adult one day. See n learn n fight for your deserve. U can stop fighting when u reach my age n have achieve wat u wan 2 achieve. Must fight for our deserve without hurting anyone or against conscience."
12.28.37
"I will take ur last sentence in my heart forever. I feel the pain."
12.31.17pm
"Is better be hurt then to hurt others. Bcos hurting others wil have our conscience haunt us til our last day.
I dun like being haunt, rather lose a bit to have a clear conscience. 加油"
12.32.15pm
"Haha thanks, u spoke like my mum. I will take ur words, don't worry. =D"
#574th: No news means good news?
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