Walking Shadow

I realize that I have been doing too much for people who do not appreciate. I do not expect others to sacrifice or reimburse me for return but at least you do not need to stab me in my heart. I admit that I have changed since I came to Singapore, my initial naive thinking does not fit in to this society which works on pay-and-take basis. Give-and-take is reserved for more traditional community where exchange of needs is not lucre based like how Kuchingites interact to live. I can feel that my personality is getting more disparaged as time elapsed, I am uncertain if this is the only survival skill to keep my breathing going in this first world city state. Such an eye opening. I have always thought that the fighting in between my relatives for the autocratic control over the asset which my grandparents left is the most shameful and dirty incident I have ever encountered with. But here I see a more deteriorating scene where I cannot just stand beside watching, I am whirled in this deadly tornado sometime I wish I will could stop struggling and let the wind twist me to death. I do not know why this can affect me so far until now but I could not believe I am still blogging about it after so many similar posts. Maybe because of my constant hard work I have invested in since my first college day, maybe because of my continuous support to lift the the name of the club, not to mention a lots more of maybe. I have so much passion in achieving perfectionism, even to the extent of giving up many of my beloved daily routine I always make sure I do things the right way although I do occasionally whining about it but I never give up. I am writing this to declare that I may not be as good as how I used to in the future, how will I develop to? Maybe a more self-centered and selfish person, I do not want give too much fuck anymore always putting others' welfare in my priority until I jeopardize my peachy emotion and thinking. I want to move on and I told myself countless time but I simply cannot achieve that, not until I have my graduation certificate. Even they acknowledge my academic excellence with Gold, Silver or Bronze award it does not longer give rise to my pride as an outstanding student. Not to mention to ask me to deliver a graduation speech, I hardly tell lie to cover NYP saying how good the curriculum of DPE has nurtured me and how much I have learnt to where I stand today. Although I stated earlier saying I will be more selfish in the future, but before I live my new way I will do one last thing for my juniors dedicated specially to my "descendants" of the club. I have a drafted legal filing in hand and will deliver to the authority whenever I find the time appropriate. I yearn for a thorough investigation for the entire selection process from the evaluation of applicants' academic achievement to involvement in campus wide events, I want MOE to interfere and give everyone an explanatory answer which NYP, particularly DPE owes me.

Since weeks back, I am a soulless walking shadow and I wish to travel back Kuching more often in the following weeks to revive myself when I am close to the brink of stepping into afterlife. I have never feel my heart so frosty as if it were placed in mortuary. Gaining my passion for life has since top my resolution priority list, it will take time. I miss catching up with my love and bestie be it for a cup of tea or a simple meal. That is the only time when we can have open heart talk. I thank all who have constantly rendered your support to back me up. My perseverance has not given myself up, I am just too tired where my level of fatigueness falls way below it could be diagnosed and cured. I will keep strong.