Merciless

I am back on this track again. A track I chose for myself. It was a mistake but I have now learned and I would not make a second wailing complain out from my mouth, not to me, nor my parents. I would rather call it a lesson than a mistake now. It is part of growing and I am still learning.

Teenager? Yeah, probably my nineteens this year is the last teenage-hood. I just could not imagine how fast time has elapsed when it comes day by day, month by month, year by year. Still remember when we were young and we wanted to grow up eagerly? I am no longer the little Form 1 kid who are still fresh and ignorant. Last time when Dad and Mum were driving me in car, they will ask if I wanna have McDonald as my meal or Pokemon cards as my present. But now I am the one driving them and the topic changed. Dad will start concerning more about stocks markets and Mum will ask my advise for the company's financial planning. Sometimes I am trying to find lots of excuses for myself as if I am still freeze at that time, living the life few years back. But I know it was just a dream, what had gone is gone, and it will never be back, only flashing in your memories when you recall the best part of it.

Now, whenever I am stressed, I stop being grouchy and whining about it. I sit down quietly, watching and listening, stories acted by the hypocrite and and melancholy notes sang by the poor. I wanted to cry but I am still smiling. I actually care but I act as it was non of my business. I wanted to stay, but I insist to leave. I am suffering deep inside, but I tell you I am living happily. I cannot wash away those memories, but I pretend to forget them. Telling lies but I say those are my real words of heart. Tears has wet the eye socket, but I raise my head high. Even if I know I can never make the broken line good again, But I am stubborn to let go. Pretending I am strong from outside, But I know who I am deep inside my heart.

Just to hide the brittleness of my true side of me, even though it is hard and suffering deep down, I will pretend and act as if I am okay. I do not want people to discover and disclose my wound, the pernicious cut in my heart. I do not want people around to start worrying me, to show sympathy. Sometimes I am making fun of myself, why am I behaving like a Hercules as if i can take up all the bad spices of life, and at times, I doubt myself.

We start to after our dreams that used to be soared high in the dream. Failure will not make the tears to simply roll down the cheeks any longer, and we are not easily halter by challenges any more.

I don't even have the strength to let go

But I believe tomorrow will be a better day

Cheers =)