The Second Time

He replied my message as if nothing was found abnormal. Maybe I did not belong here, not even from the start. I am just getting more left out maybe it was me who started isolating myself. I guess it was a deviated move I tried to keep myself alone, nobody had ever tried to understand the social pressure which kept my head down. Tail was so far away I could not convey my message properly and worse still she could not decipher the complicated situation well enough. People whom I expected the most rendered the least. But those I did not had intention with, lent me an ear to hear and a hand to pat on my shoulder. I was discouraged at that time. I spent my thoughts to think for a best christmas gift which will serve its purpose to embark our friendship which is extending into our third years of studies, I tried to make it worthy that will last along with our friendship. Finally we are assembled again this week but I prefer it better when we were apart all over the world. It does not make any difference when everyone is physically present or not. I do not know who or what should I cling onto now. My heart has grown so strong to on par with the people I socialize with in my daily life. The little foundation I laid to sustain my long term vision has shattered bits by bits, further and further, maybe it's time for me to look for new blood whom I can entrust for this crucial time. I need a really really strong team and people with burning passion. Sorry dad, I know you have invested a lot on me wanting me to excel one day and to inherit what you have built up but what I am doing now is exactly what you were doing decades ago. Like father like son. 

I Lost Faith

I am impressed by how these people run errand. Just about a year ago, it was my first time to get in touch with this matter. Back then I was quite assured that I had nothing to worry about - this is Singapore, a first world country, the only Asia's country tops the least corrupt government, the best livable city in Asia, everything is on the lead based on the meritocracy system. I was so amazed by how this tiny dot achieved such as exceptional quality of living until I found out that meritocracy was not a norm here, it only seems to be. I have been through it myself for almost a year and have been taking the looks how people threw at me, how people mocked behind me, how high my parents' expectation was, how strong my ego was... ...I always told myself "everything is going to be alright, this is an obstacle God throws at me aim at turning me stronger." Even with my constant self-motivation, I would have lost myself without the guidance from her. She was the only one who stayed by my side when I almost gave up, when I almost lost all my hopes in everything I did. 

Today, she has finally given up. My core psychological and spiritual support all these while has broken down. If the person who has always been supporting me is falling, it means the impact was too strong. Even the toughest shield is corroded by the most ruthless weapon. The same thing happened again this year. The only difference is the buffer period is so short we do not even have time to appeal for a second or third time. In addition to that Z is now the so called "overall-in-charge" he has authorisation to give a pass or red card to all the applicants based on his special formulae. Even after we submitted an appeal he beat around the bush and replied with a well worded email. Of course I am upset, I have been through exactly the same thing. Last year, I had few days to collect evidence for appeal purpose and had enough time for the "panel" to consider . He is clever enough this year that he cuts short the buffer period so the risk that changes might incur to the list is reduced to minimal. He is the mentee to my mum and key person of DPE IMPACT, she has lost her credibility in students. It will be more challenging to attract juniors to the club in the future because what we promise is always empty ones. I have to admit that Z is a very delicate person and in the world of politics, people like him will not fall or barely will.

I am shocked when I received another email this morning. She always told me she wanted to quit but yet to see any actual move from her. I know her well. She always complaint how tired and stressed up she was but she never stops giving herself in rendering her maximum effort to make sure every DPE event runs smoothly, more importantly she wants everyone of us to learn and improve from where we are short of. The nightmare finally happened today. I know it was for real. If this relinquishment is sought after, we are going to lose a huge pile of morale support. I cannot imagine DPE juniors' future. There will no longer be anyone to stand on students' behalf, to speak for our welfare.

I am sorry there is nothing much I could do to counter this upset situation. I tried to scrutinize your CCAs transcript and furnish it to look more convincing but... It is not that you are not good, it is just that you luck was not there that he has chosen you to be the scapegoat like what happened on me. I can feel how exactly it feels like in your position but embrace through it. Time will eventually fade away the pain. Focus on studies and I believe result is what we are more concerned with. 

I am so fed up I do not anticipate to Japan anymore. I do not feel proud of it at all. Behind this internship it is all about filthy procedures, dirty tricks and all the bad ingredients which degrace one's personality. The reasons why I am still holding to it are for the fame of DPE IMPACT, the sacrifice my mum has made for me, the expectation of my own parents and of course to crush you down, if possible.

I hope karma is true and will strike you one day.

697th

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The Numbers

5

First thing I gonna talk about is I finally got my second apple wife. After a long 1 month wait. At first I thought it was just a minor update but in fact those little improvements here and there are those which make it better as a whole. From the camera which has now becomes the benchmark for today's mobile photography to the A5X chip that makes everything smoother than before. User experience is what Apple focus at and they are totally doing it right. Just a single model iPhone can put the used-to-be mobile tech giant Nokia to shame despite Nokia's hundreds and hundreds of models. If your direction is right, you will get it right.

26

It is now in memories. I miss the laughter and fun we had together in the lab especially the last few weeks. Sometimes I was confused if we were doing FYP because we were so happy that we could laugh whole day long. The only rationale why I feel comfortable with them is because of the frankness, it is like the traits which is built within the heart. When you were down you shed a tear, when you were over the moon you burst into laughter like no one's business.

The royal members of codename-26

25

Finally get these two packets done and is ready to ship to Germany. Although the shipping cost burns a hole in my wallet but I always behold the belief that friendship is invaluable. I really hope everything will reach Germany in good shape, I have tried to cushion the package with a lot a lot of spongy layer and bubble wrapping and I do not want to be disappointed nor to disappoint them as well. Fabian and Tabea, wishing you all an early Christmas!

30

Paid a visit to the embassy of Japan today, the second time. I missed the application hour yesterday and got to travel down again today. This place is so fucking isolated that it is not accessible by any means of public transport. The nearest MRT is Orchard but you got to walk really really far like about 1.5-2km away by pedestrian walk along the main road. Be glad if it is a big sunshine, although it is hot but you only sweat! If it rains there is no shelter along the way! The worst part is there is so much traffic when crossing the junctions which always make this by legs journey longer and more tiring. Good news is I was in time for the submission. To Japanese timeliness is one of the main elements in their culture and they are quite particular about punctuality. If you came late, they would not entertain you at all.

17

On my way back from embassy to school, have to take train from Orchard station. And you know what, passed by H&M which me and Esther went on Monday which was then closed is celebrating it's grand opening today. I guess the officiating ceremony was over thus the crowd was not as huge as expected. I tried the black shirt in the picture and took a random photo in fitting room and uploaded to instagram. I received a lot of positive feedback and my confidence soars high a little. Lol. I think codename26 and Esther have lifted my overall emotion and washed away the sorrow which I have eventually overlooked. This is a good sign as I feel myself getting more positive towards life. Thank God.

0

I miss the old us. When we look for each other is not just for the sake of needing help. But the fact seems inevitable now. I guess I do not need to try hard to save the old memories back into present, what have left is left. Today I have learnt to live for today but not living in mirage reminiscing the past and try to retain the memory and project into the reality. I find my life too miserable always try to keep the best memories alive. History is history.I ever tried to correct our relationship. I texted you to chat but our minds seems to fall apart, there was even time when I saw your read timestamp but I did not receive a reply. I understand you might miss a few replies like what I do occasionally but if it happens too frequent, it is really upset. Nowadays my iMessage notification only comes in when I need to buy something and post it to your house thus requiring your address or when you need reference for certain project or module you come to ask from me. The olden days we only talked cock and wasting our time chatting all the unnecessity. If it was the old me I will keep tweeting about how life has turned this way and how sad am I how much I wish I could rewind back the good old time. I have told myself that be positive and make the most out of limits. Spending more time to polish my in-depth knowledge, an occasional night run to boost stamina, a hearty meal with friends to foster relationship, chatting with her to keep the distance short, facetime with family to feel homy, a fun outing to fade away unhappiness, a pilgrimage escaping mundanity. Yes, I love my life now.

Urlaub

I want to leave for vacation. In dire need of widening my mind and to stimulate more ideas how I gonna realize it. Love you.

Thank You So Much

Thank you so much

For the fun and laughter we shared for the past three months

I can feel my broken heart is slowly convalescing

Definitely will start missing you guys from next week onwards

Announcement

Sorry for all the waits. I temporarily shut down my blog because I was thinking of making a makeover. But being constraint by my packed schedule, I was not able to commit. So I have decided to open it to public again. The other reason I narrowed down to a handful of invited readers to my blog was because there was a huge jump of readers especially from United States, from tens to hundreds. I do not feel secured as I feel my little bits of life here and there was exposed to the world. This blog was intended for my personal use and meant to link with my close ones. Sorry if you are my constant readers and I have barred you, you are now welcome to read my delicious story of life made up of all unique and scarce spices.

I saw the tweet, and I feel it. Sometimes I feel I adapted to a new environment too quickly till I forgot where my previous roots were. But as environment is shifting swiftly so do I, I have learnt so much from the top management in NYP - 

The only way to survive is to adopt, 

instead of trying hard to make a change.

Somehow I feel my old belief that "sharing is caring" and karma which defines "you will receive good in return of doing good" has outgrown the ethic of this society. I hope this does not representing the entire Singapore (usually what a minority from a group does will represent the trait as a whole). So long so hard and so sad. I have since more direct in speaking my mind and start pruning those tactful unnecessary civilities to make people feel good, some people do not give a fuck and will not even appreciate. I always hear people saying but I was ignorant until I experienced it. 

Although I do not really like what I am receiving in my life now, but for the sake of my parents' expectation I will accept whatsoever that comes to me even not very appealing. My dream was not dead. I am still laying bricks on the way to building it up. Time can heal pain, also it can drag more misery if not properly handle. I also tend to be more appreciative because I am so sick receiving complaints from people who take all the good things for granted. 

If you feel me distant myself from the group, it is simply I feel that I have fallen out of the topic circle. I do not know how to initiate an impromptu conversation, I have to plot one. Referring to what I have experienced from the previous paragraph, I want to be direct and not pretentious. If I do not like it, I just quit. There is no need to hide my feelings and try to act in front of the crowd.

I thank all who have been rendering your morale support for me, be it a simple text from Kuching, a call from classmate or whatsapp from Europe. There is nothing that beats me down, only burning the will stronger. 

Bits Of Life

This morning I woke up real high. No reason but just anticipating to go to school today. I brought in the Starbucks coffee I bought to lab and lolz. We aroused another round of buzz and burst into laughter almost for the entire day. I attended Japanese lesson reluctantly but the experienced tutor (I heard he is the head of Japanese language in my school) did lighten up my little passion in Japan, not much.

It was a very cold and cooling day, shivering got worsen by the super power air-cond. Received a system generated message telling me the confirmation from Toyoda Japan. Never fancy Japan nor it is on my list of travel in the near future. Mixed feeling. Have to split up with my previous partner and ... ... Have to admit that not in a good mood to get set for the rest of the day which I was previously on a high notch.

My labmate - Rachel is flying off to Japan tomorrow. Happy 21st in advance! I may be joining you a month later.

Commissioning finished off with a perfect ending. Juniors are doing better and I believe will get even better in the future. An instax with brother Andrew to mark the end of this chapter in DPE IMPACT. Got to appreciate him as he never fails to take my tantrum especially recently when I got baffled by some most of the difficult challenges I ever faced in my poly life. If not of his unsparing temper to tolerate my untuned emotion, I could have driven myself insane. Tail in Kch, Jim in OZ, Est in NZ, Bian in India and Drew in Sg. 

As Distant Journey Tests The Strength Of A Horse,

So As Time Reveals A Person's Heart and Character.

Spoke to them on Facebook again. I feel very dispirited and down hearted the moment they replied me "We told everyone that you are coming." They told their friends and family to actually welcome my stay in Germany if I would ever visit them which seems possible in the past few months when I did not foresee the complication that lies ahead. I do not know how much a foreign friend means to you, but these two Germans definitely serve as an eye opener for me which let me have a more global look on how the Caucasians think of we Asians and vice versa. Also through day-to-day interaction I get to understand why Germany is still standing upright and tower the world of innovation for tomorrow. They are also engineers who behold some of the best engineering perspective and understanding which I enjoyed chatting and discussed with them especially when comprehending the scenes of "The Dark Knight" from scientific point of view. We all have nearly the same interest and can't be happier if meeting again is not far away. I love Germany previously and the affection grows stronger with my constant coincident meetup with nice and friendly Germans as well as several German events, food, fashion, products and so on which make awesome even awesomer.

糜烂

有一种坚持，叫逆向而行

有一种生活，耐人寻味

有一种成功，蓄势待发

无止尽的耕耘如果换来的是不成对比的成就感

黑白的幽默，是那些人饭后的笑话

抚摸着那已不成形的心，播放着张惠妹的《彩虹》

有没有比灌醉更能让人忘了这一切

往事不堪回首，一切如过眼云烟

依留的色彩，是为了明天绽放的花儿而准备

Real Life of The Hunger Games

The time I most afraid of has finally arrived. I am not afeared that our friendship will rot after this but the outcome can be roughshod to once challenge our morale which will again peak the melancholic tone which has diminished as time elapsed. Tomorrow it is going to bring it back to climax. I wish you will get it but I also receiving pressure from both my parents and people who perceive me as a sublime figure of which going overseas seems to be a norm in addition to my "outstanding performance" last semester. This is what my godmother reminded earlier on this evening - DPE is watching at you. Even if luck was on my side, how will I feel for him? I do not want to be a man who builds happiness on others' suffering. I do not have the gut to confront my conscious. But how am I going to not make my parents, especially my mum to not feel disappointed if I let it go. Is there a way to perfect the situation, a total solution to kill two birds with one stone. Why one of us has to leave? I always thought we are one of the perfect pairing in regards to our similar academic level, CCAs achievement and field of interest. As far as I concern, we are one of the few pairs who have not encounter any internal dispute yet and I want to maintain it. How is that possible to stay longer if we are going to split. I always thought with my specialization in product design and his major in mould design we could create something big for the company we are attached to and achieve what distinguish us from others. God if You could hear my prayer, will You intervene and make this competition fairer and side people who have devoted their very very best to pave towards what they deserve for. 

It looks pageant from outside,

but it is nothing better than the Hunger Games,

from the selection of participants to the ultimate winners. 

Mercy

I wanna go home, mercy please?

Lyrics:

Tonight you're so far away from home,

You don't wanna be here,

but I can't let you go,

Cause time was never on your side

and It never will be,

Cause tonight your mine.

And I just wanna storm,

but I know I never will,

I'm just what you made me to be

And I wanna let you go,

I want to set you free,

So just say mercy.

Wasted so much time,

And time is what you plead for,

but I can't give in,

Cause I'm the only one that can

save you from the dark side,

But I won't let go.

And I just wanna storm,

But I know I never will,

I'm just what you made me to be

And I wanna let you go,

I wanna set you free,

So just say mercy.

Can you let me go?

Can you save my soul?

Can you save my life?

Can you say mercy?

---

It reflects too much of my real time situation. Tears immediately rolls down my cheek as the lyrics go on. I feel so much distanced because I can hardly slip in any of the chit-chatting topics. Maybe I am too sensitive to find the gap tearing apart but I no longer feeling comfortable. I feel myself so helpless. I read one of my mates' blog this afternoon, if the world is gonna end soon, I am not sure if I gonna die with regrets but certainly will. Many goals are set but I hardly hit any of those, even I have been trying hard all these while. I am stubborn at keeping hardships to myself, I do not want to burst in front of crowd. Trying hard to hide behind the mask has been tough, depression which screws me if I start counting days. I have a dream, I wanna change the world with the ideas generating my mind, I thought it is gonna be revolutionary. I wanted to open wide my vision but I am not privileged enough to grab any of those opportunities in hand. When our conversations tend to surface turning into a superficial content-less verbal interaction, I do not know where to make a U-turn. Everyone is in their respective shoes and not many care to signal you a gesture of goodwill. I learn to digest the adverse taste and trying to absorb the nutrients which eventually drive me to a whole new horizon of psychiatry. Be it optimistically or pessimistically, I know I have to throw in some i-factors in my backpack and leave the remaining to be forgotten and take off with the gigantic wings to the extent as far as I could stretch. I should give a courteous rejection to all goodwill of invitations, the sense of belonging is missing. I appreciate if the lesser the travelers are joining this trip the better it will be, glad that my mate is willing to hop on this journey together. I wanna make it simple and clear-cut from all possible mundanity. Me alone or few of us will make pilgrimage to place where we find peace by nature. In dire of letting go the trains of thought which pile up to complication. 

I Miss You

When I am about to let go

I realize how deep I am in love with you

The strong affection seems not to fade over time instead growing exponentially

The ruthlessness of distance which gives me the reason to give up

I try hard to find the balance in this dichotomize

The wit falls in between lines of whatsapp enthralls me

My flub to excel gives me an ultimate time to brood especially during these silent nights

In my fumble searching of what true philosophy is

I understand that

"What the mind can conceive,

it can be achieved."

During the interim of making my way right back on track

I try to rehab from the melancholic past

But the soul just started to convalesce

It has been a long way

And longer ones lying ahead

Did I tell you that sometime I really love to see my name the first on the list.

My Lies

This is my original script which have not been modified by my manager. Hard time when producing this script as I really hope I could have a clear cut from him and I don't want to get involve in any activity which he actively participates in. I wanted to impart more element of sarcasm in it to mock him but I know it will be modified even though I do so, also I don't want to demote my personality doing the same thing as he did to me. Have fun being mind-fucked while reading this beautifully "plotted" speech.

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Deputy Director, Aerospace & Precision Engineering, Mr David Wong

Industry Guests, Managers, Lecturers and Friends

Good afternoon.

I’m Tan Yee, a 3^rd year student of the Diploma of Digital and Precision Engineering. I am also the president leading the second batch of DPE IMPACT EXCO. I am very honored to be given this opportunity to say a few words this afternoon.

DPE IMPACT is an academic club set up by the DPE seniors two years ago aim at building up our interest as well as exploring our talents in different fields apart from studies. As a DPE student I believe that academically excellence is not well sufficient, we need to develop ourselves into a more rounded student. This is where DPE IMPACT comes in to provide a platform for students to showcase their extra-curricular ability and talent. DPE Impact lets us soar with passion at work and at play. Of course this can’t be achieved without the dedicated guidance from our lecturers and seniors.

One year ago, I took up the responsibility to lead a team after the club and behold the vision to make the existing activities and events more fun and interesting. With the cooperation of my fellow committees, we have successfully organized major events like the Award Ceremony, DPE Impact Day, DPE Survival Camp, DPE Connect and of course today’s ceremony. Not only that, we have also organized two trips to Brighthill Evergreen Home to offer our voluntary and charity service.

Today, we believe that DPE IMPACT should not just about DPE students. We started to open up and involve more students across SEG like XXXXXX. We want DPE students to open their circle and to interact with students from different courses as part of our goal to develop a healthier social network. Just as what we can see today, we have representatives from XXXXXX in the house to witness this ceremony. We see this as a good start to involve more friends to join our activities in the future, like the camp which is going to be held XXX.

Time and tide wait for no man, it has come to the time where we will mark the end of our service and passing down to a group of youthful and energetic upcoming committees. I am very proud to see the passion in them which I believe they will continue to embark a new milestone for DPE IMPACT, year after year, like what we did.

Unfortunately some of my committees are not able to present this afternoon’s commissioning as most of them are currently having attachment overseas or OIPP, even though they are not physically present, but we are all spiritually present and we would like to express our deepest gratification for DPE IMPACT and all our lecturers and seniors who have provided a platform to give us this scarce opportunity to bond more, share more ideas and develop our leadership skills as well as guided us along the way to make every past event successful.

Before I end my speech, I would like to wish my juniors all the best in venturing new ideas to continue bringing the club soars higher into another horizon. As the saying “What the mind can conceive, it can be achieved.”

With that, I end my speech. Thank you.

Acquiescence

I followed RED tm to see the effort how people put in to fight for the Africans who live under the poverty line. The little kids still manage to give an artless smile despite the bulging stomach from the compilation of kwashiorkor. I stunned for a few seconds or minutes which I could not recall exactly. I lost in my mind trying to pave a way out. I relented to abusing authorities who think their every single move, single act is backed by power which I can hardly tackle. Mockable when I see people who do not even know how a well baked honey oat loaf taste like. My intuition has thus been distracted to a wrongly moral direction which makes me think that what people can offer me is merely a sentence or two of consolation, not any actual move which will solve the situation or at least giving me a satisfied answer. Sometime I would like to stop giving so much intellectual masterpiece I have done which people think I am good at, not that I refuse to share but I am not an organized person and I really hate to dig out all the old stuff I keep. I am looking forward to a solo or backpacking trip in a group of two or three, I believe dispute does arise when more people get involved since my very first trip with schoolmates in 2009. I salute those people who can take everyday so optimistically because what they have to worry is very primitive - food, shelter, water and any outfit as long as it keeps them warm. In first world society we never experience how starving feels like and what we are concerned is what to eat from a wide range of ready variety. I wish time clocks faster so I can quickly put this to end. I miss Highians so much because when you see an iMessage or Facebook messenger notification from them you know they are not always there to seek your help, most of the time they just feel free to send regards to me or to start a chit-chatting which could last for hours. This is also part of the element which formed the most primitive lifestyle centuries ago. I may tend to keep myself isolated as I feel most comfortable dealing with me, at least I know I am frank to myself and I won't cheat myself. I have come to the point I realize so much of me in the hidden corner of my own world. My arrogance for perfectionism and strong sense of belongingness will continue to be my main traits which will be inherited in all things I am going to venture. 

...

我自己辛苦一点无所谓，

咬紧牙关忍一下就过去了，

我只希望大家开心，

或许我就有那个继续下去的动力。

Resurrection

In the three musketeers, I failed the most, epicly, sadly with no mercy judging from the current realistic scenario. Things have evolved eventually and turned strange to me. I recall the moment I gained respect representing an icon of sublime virtue. All the history, in fact it just me living in my fairy wonderland has now shattered my dream in broken pieces which can never be made good again. The good old times. I always thought I could have conveyed and portrayed better which act as an added value relatively to what I have achieved and in the process of achieving. Albert Einstein:

"Only A Life Lived For Others Is A Life Worthwhile."

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#654th: This may be the last birthday bash. I will miss you.

Winter Haze

Just about a month ago, the first day when the new semester commenced I picked up my Nike backpack as early as I could, I was excited or perhaps the "kiasu" spirit which I wanted to reach the S233 as early as I could to grab the best spot, the blind spot where lecturer cannot see me when I am watching YouTube instead of rendering a UG model. I made it. Soon or later I am surrounded with a number of D3 coursemates from another path - Inggrid, Han Fen, Rachel Soon Ling, Keegan as well as Chung Keat from D2 of the same path as me. At first I thought I am gonna be isolated since none of my previous classmate was in here, but my early assumption was silly! In fact they are so much fun to hang around with and I had lots of fun, even though we have come to the half of this FYP course, I wish it was longer! We started following pretty Malaysian blogger like chuckei recommended by the girls, having fun stalking every single post after her just to update on her whereabouts. (I really have to admit that most (99%) of her photos without PHOTOSHOPPED are very very much prettier than the Singapore famous "plastic" and arrogant blogger - Xiaxue!) We even knew that Chuckei was coming to Singapore weeks ago and we made fun of wanting to meet her for dinner and karaoke! Lol, I know it's kind of lame but we really had fun chit-chatting in the lab, at least I did. There were also time when we got serious and discussed about our forthcoming FYP presentation. There is one Chinese Confucian analects "If three of us walk togeter, at least one of the other two is good enough to be my teacher." Indeed, changing ideas amongst did give me a better perspective more towards objective point of view instead of subjective. Until the recent funny French phrases like "Mercibuku" (correct spelling : merci beaucoup - thank you in French) by our "Hao Han" aherm-aherm gonna-to-be - Han Fen. In fact I still do not understand why she changed her Instagram username to 'Mercibuku", whenever I thought of it my lips rise, teeth popping out following a series of laughter! I guess this is how life should be!

TGIF 5 Oct 2012 - Going to Salted Caramel for Keegan and Suk Qin birthday bash!

At Salted Caramel with virtual candles holding by the stars of the night

I went to Clark Quay this evening for Oktoberfest celebration (Singapore style). 

I thought I was supposed to be in Munich one of the weekends this month but life sucks too bad (I EXPRESS MY DEEPEST GRATIFICATION TO ALL THE DORKS FOR MAKING MY OCTOBER SO WONDERFUL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST IN HUNTING NEW PREY FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR ENTERTAINMENT, EVEN IF I DON'T WATCH YOU, GOD IS WATCHING). Although I did not really have a big gulp of Erdinger (one of the best beers Fabian and Tabea recommended in Germany) but I got a plate of roasted pork slice with potatoes. The serving was not big enough to fill me up, followed by some really shitty mushroom with eggs dishes at one of the Spanish restaurants nearby. We ended up at Subway which seems promising, and yea I love my Italian B.M.T. with tomato, cucumber and olive.

Le German guy, Dato, Zhong Lin, me and two German chicks

 Mushroom Shitake with eggs from OCTAPAS 

(don't try this unless you are willing to pay for a baby size serving with exorbitant tag)

Das Italian sandwich by Subway

We were doing a trial bungee run to prepare Dato for his next birthday present

Take 2

It is getting colder in Berlin as the season started to change into snowy winter. (Although it is not going to snow every year) As colder it gets, so as my hope and dream. The equation of hard work equals to fruitful harvest seems to be a calculation error even my scientific calculator cannot give track where the formulae went wrong. We can do Math as well as an engineer should but in life balancing equation is an ability to adapt to inexplicable one-sidedness, be glad if you are the favorable ones, if unfortunate endure and keep your faith.

Walking Shadow

I realize that I have been doing too much for people who do not appreciate. I do not expect others to sacrifice or reimburse me for return but at least you do not need to stab me in my heart. I admit that I have changed since I came to Singapore, my initial naive thinking does not fit in to this society which works on pay-and-take basis. Give-and-take is reserved for more traditional community where exchange of needs is not lucre based like how Kuchingites interact to live. I can feel that my personality is getting more disparaged as time elapsed, I am uncertain if this is the only survival skill to keep my breathing going in this first world city state. Such an eye opening. I have always thought that the fighting in between my relatives for the autocratic control over the asset which my grandparents left is the most shameful and dirty incident I have ever encountered with. But here I see a more deteriorating scene where I cannot just stand beside watching, I am whirled in this deadly tornado sometime I wish I will could stop struggling and let the wind twist me to death. I do not know why this can affect me so far until now but I could not believe I am still blogging about it after so many similar posts. Maybe because of my constant hard work I have invested in since my first college day, maybe because of my continuous support to lift the the name of the club, not to mention a lots more of maybe. I have so much passion in achieving perfectionism, even to the extent of giving up many of my beloved daily routine I always make sure I do things the right way although I do occasionally whining about it but I never give up. I am writing this to declare that I may not be as good as how I used to in the future, how will I develop to? Maybe a more self-centered and selfish person, I do not want give too much fuck anymore always putting others' welfare in my priority until I jeopardize my peachy emotion and thinking. I want to move on and I told myself countless time but I simply cannot achieve that, not until I have my graduation certificate. Even they acknowledge my academic excellence with Gold, Silver or Bronze award it does not longer give rise to my pride as an outstanding student. Not to mention to ask me to deliver a graduation speech, I hardly tell lie to cover NYP saying how good the curriculum of DPE has nurtured me and how much I have learnt to where I stand today. Although I stated earlier saying I will be more selfish in the future, but before I live my new way I will do one last thing for my juniors dedicated specially to my "descendants" of the club. I have a drafted legal filing in hand and will deliver to the authority whenever I find the time appropriate. I yearn for a thorough investigation for the entire selection process from the evaluation of applicants' academic achievement to involvement in campus wide events, I want MOE to interfere and give everyone an explanatory answer which NYP, particularly DPE owes me.

Since weeks back, I am a soulless walking shadow and I wish to travel back Kuching more often in the following weeks to revive myself when I am close to the brink of stepping into afterlife. I have never feel my heart so frosty as if it were placed in mortuary. Gaining my passion for life has since top my resolution priority list, it will take time. I miss catching up with my love and bestie be it for a cup of tea or a simple meal. That is the only time when we can have open heart talk. I thank all who have constantly rendered your support to back me up. My perseverance has not given myself up, I am just too tired where my level of fatigueness falls way below it could be diagnosed and cured. I will keep strong.

Ups and Downs

I seldom come to the point when I got so down I need to blog again. I have so much in mind I wish I could pour them out so I feel better. I have initially lost my passion and urge to continue pursue what seems pointless and useless. It was like trying to grab for air from the open atmosphere. It was that hopeless the time I knew nothing can be helped to make things better until I reflected how down my partner was to my mum. She eventually spoke to him and I just happened to see him crying. Thanks to the glass windowed lab almost everyone who passed by saw that scene. From that point onward I know I must try to do something or else nobody would. I made a quick move by promptly get in touch with Volvo and Peugeot. My dad's ex-colleague is now working as a manager or some sort of director in a machinery company based in Jakarta who has direct business relationship with Volvo. I told my parents and my mum took the initiative to contact uncle Francis, I got Volvo regional representative from France based in Singapore almost immediately. Speaking on Peugeot, we have two Peugeot in my family one being mine and one belongs to my cousin. Besides, the Nasim Peugeot Kuching regional manager is one of my uncle's friend. Again my mum ran the errand again and I obtained Peugeot Asia General Director contacts not later then the time when I have Volvo's one. I wrote an email to my mum expressing my concern that these two global automobile giants would love to hear from school on the training needs, duration of internship and expenses incur during the period. And from there try to arrange a possible outcome. To my surprise my course manager was trying to escape from his responsibility saying that we are not supposed to look for company ourselves. (Forgive me for missing a meeting in between. Before I wanted to show him the details of both Peugeot and Volvo we had a meeting with my partner, supervisor, course coordinator and of course my "beloved manager". He said that we should stop sourcing company because it involves a series of complicated procedures which we do not foresee. However he said that FOR ALL THE COMPANY WE HAVE PREVIOUSLY APPLIED, DO LET HIM KNOW AND FOLLOW UP IF THERE IS ANY POSITIVE RESPONSE) And now when I finally got response from the director level of each company he tried to push away his words, he said - wait until David Wong comes back. So I have no better choice but to delay another week waiting. So my mum then went to have an argument with him:

"So now we already have direct contact with Peugeot and Volvo, can you write in a reference letter on my students behalf so they might stand a chance for OIPP."

"No, I don't think these two companies are related to DPE."

"What about Rolls-Royce?"

"No, Rolls-Royce is an aerospace industry, not automobile."

"How about Toyota?"

(FYI, Toyota is the last company NYP was looking into for OIPP but has yet to receive reply from Japan)

"... ..."

(CM got speechless)

So now you see the reason how I catch my fury? The manager gave me reasons that they could not find any possible company for my OIPP but when I got resource and tried to build a link with NYP he just SAT DOWN THERE DO NOTHING. I did not see your initiative in wanting to get the dangling issue solved. I tried to offer you a possible solution but you simply ignored me.

My mum gave me an idea that seems she and manager will not be around in NYP until 10th of October. She will give me clearance whenever she finds it a good time for me to speak to Deputy Director concerning on what is happening. At the moment I hope I can restore the confidence and sorrow which have incurred in me and my partner since the day we got doomed. (Not our life doomed, but just like the 3 years of our hard work in NYP is DOOMED).

I did not intend to blog tonight actually. But I could not express myself well enough through drawing so in the end I still decided to write an entry. From the darker marks on the sheet you can roughly guess how down am I when I was producing this drawing. 

When there are downs in life, of course there are ups. I praise the Lord for giving me this opportunity to meet two German friends whom I previously met in the plane while on the way flying back home Kuching from Singapore. If I did not boost my bravery at that time to offer them my numbers, they would not have asked me to give them a ride down to their hotel where our friendship begins. I feel 101% easy and relaxed when I hanged out with them because I do not need to pretend. They are straight forward and there is nothing to hide. We do not afraid if we see each other's shortcomings but we just share our true feelings and ideas instead which eventually lead to some really good thoughts. I would also like to thank Fabian who is currently helping me to get in touch with OTIS (world's largest escalator and elevator engineering firm) higher level of management to seek my possibility of breaking the gate into Deutschland. Although it sounds awkward but it is true that throughout the 7 days hanging out together (6 days in Kuching and 1 day in Singapore) I feel that this is the kind of cultural circle I wanna stay with. Frank, straightforward, direct, no drama and do not let trifle bothers life. And yes, Germany. I am glad that I pick up German language as my elective two years back when I was in my dilemma whether to choose German or French I decided to give the first one a try because of the leading engineering knowledge precedes by the German, but today I am pro-Germany not only because of their innovative engineering skills and logic but the culture behind which I truly admire.

And here the last photo with Tabea and Fabian before they flew back to Germany

Maybe some days after I will be back in Kuching again to feel the breeze

Where I smell my underived love of the most original

Abandon the fancy accessories

For which a true love is the most avant-garde piece of God's artwork

I miss you

Finale

Thank you so much ZCSH

I love you as much as I hate you

Love

Because you taught me a real life lesson which can never be studied from books

The ugly facts behind your shiny glowing crown

Where innocent victims are sacrificed to worship the devil inside you

Thanks for choosing me as your sheep

I have learnt so much from you

Experiencing the pain from stabbers much earlier than others would

And most probably I will be more aware next time when I step in to the real society

And at the same time

I wish you good luck in employing all your dirty tricks continue to cast everyone else out

I hope your filthy fetish will pay you back equally

Hate

You made me suffer through two semesters

Where I have lost my passion towards study

Every time you chose to haunt me right before finals

I am glad that with Jesus's blessings I survived

Defeated your bafflement with flying colours

For all the mental torture implication

I have eventually overcome

Numbness is the only side effect

I have lost my attention towards certain event which I used to care

I do not know if this ongoing emotionless feeling is a sign of depression

But nevertheless all your moves should have imposed hatred from me

But instead

I just want to avoid you

Because messing around with you

Do seriously offend my personality and despise self-esteem

For what I said

"As in I no longer feel the disappointment and sadness I used to, totally emotionless.

It's quite rare for me to come across the line where I give up something I used to care.

I am usually tough and stubborn in pursuing an event I am after but I have lost the passion this time."

And she replied

"Life is full of ups and downs.

Stay focus and try to get what we deserve until we are proven dead.

You have done all you can, but it just missed you.

I admire your perseverance.

It may be a big lost now, but it may be a blessing in disguise which you will only realize in future.

Look on the brighter side, and move on."

At least, I persevered till the very last minute and somebody recognized that.

Thank you so much.

628th: Love is the strongest spiritual support.

An Alternative

The afternoon after my last final or maybe the next day, I happened to speak with my mum again, only both of us. At first we were discussing about the old folks' event on Saturday (1 September) but eventually our topic was shifted to the very secretive overseas attachment. Actually we didn't started off immediately, I was asking if mum knows who my supervisor is so I could apply for leave from 14 to 17 Sept because my mum's corporate is going to have a beach side stay with all my relatives who are also members of the board of directors. My mum told me she is. Initially I thought she was joking but then she reassured me. She immediately "approved" my "leaves" and being greedy I asked for extra two days off which were one day before and after 14 and 17. Literally means I am flying home from 13 to 18, like a boss.

... ...

Actually on the second day of Raya visiting which was Monday morning I received a sms from my mum saying that I have a tentative Japanese company awaiting for confirmation. I was happy because like finally? I was sad at the same time because I don't really fancy about Japanese' culture instead of the Europeans'. I asked any chance to go Europe? She said not at the moment because three European companies actually pulled out. Bad economies? Or just the winter season.

... ...

Back to that afternoon, so I have something in mind which I think it was inappropriate to ask. But somehow I still opened my mouth and asked "It is possible if I find my own company and the school back me up?" She replied "Why not? It would be better that way. To be frank with you, the school's list is actually exhausted." "Won't it be offended to XX?" "Of course not, he will appreciate if you happened to slot in a new company because it will build up relationship with NYP and is also good for your juniors" "Alright, remember the German friends I met in the plane? Fabian's family is actually running a company providing stamping automotive parts for Daimler (Mercedes-Benz) and maybe I could establish relationship with the German site and somehow secure an internship placement." "That would be great but you should do it in a low profile." "Ok."

So the first and second day of FYP which is today, I have already submitted four applications in total. I am glad that I am obsessed with exotic cars especially the German made one. Easily I could source out the internship link to Daimler, BMW, Volkswagen, Audi and so. So yesterday I submitted two applications, one to BMW and one to Bosch. FYI, Bosch is the world largest company in providing automotive components.

BMW

Bosch

Today I wanted to submit applications to Volkswagen and Daimler AG but when it came to the last part of online application it asked for testimony. Neither me nor my partner has a testimony so we decided to ask mum to write one for us but she was busy marking paper. She said she could write for us after 3pm but she was still busy then. So I quickly search for other company which doesn't need testimony for internship application. With God's blessings, I didn't waste the day doing nothing but I completed another two online applications. The first one was Porsche - a super car badge which most car lovers would love to have one; Sennheiser a world premium audio device maker known for its' high end headphone, speaker and telephony accessories. Before this I always thought Sennheiser was from the States but in fact it is Germany! For fuck sake don't buy Beats, Sennheiser is now the choice!

Porsche

Sennheiser

So what's up tomorrow? I have actually completed the online application for both Daimler and Volkswagen except the file attachment which requires testimony. I guess I would be able to successfully submit online application for that both renown automobile companies by tomorrow. 

Daimler AG

Volkswagen

I will continue to source for more engineering related company in Germany and hopefully with so many applications I have and about to submit, I will be very much appreciated if one replied. If there is two I can't be more welcome. Although the school is kind of giving up in sourcing overseas company but I am not giving up. At first I was so upset and I think I should just accept the fact and follow the flow but my mum scolded me. She said I am still young and there is no reason to give up easily. And because of her I reignite my spirit to keep the journey ongoing, even if it is tough. Since I was a little boy, I always got the stuff I want in a more "awkward" way which usually differ from others. I think I still can't run away this time. The usual way is the school is going to source and secure an internship placement for me but in fact I am doing it myself. My dad has a friend who works as a MD or CEO for Volvo Indonesia region in Jakarta. I actually reflected it to my mum and she said I should try that pipeline too. If I happened to go Sweden Volvo it would be great as well, even if I ended up in Jakarta working with such a big company will give me a better exposure and might propel me to a brighter prospect in the future. So, mum said "why don't you try?" 

"Even if the world fails you,

you'll never fail 

unless you give up first."

More to come on my list.

Audi 

(a subsidy of Volkswagen)

Lufthansa

Volvo for life

(Sweden made)

I am glad that I have my mum as my supervisor which indirectly increases my chances of going Germany by rendering unparalleled helping hands and backing me with morale support to groom me to be more fortitudinous on my stand. I also praise the Lord that You let me met the two German friends inside the plane who are now my 贵人 trying to help me for my internship in Germany. My auntie told me last time that fortune teller said I will always have 贵人 (savior? Sorry I couldn't find the appropriate translation I think savior is the closest) in life to aid me through difficult times. Somehow somewhat I find the prophecy kind of reflecting in my real life.

608th: Sometimes I think I should move on, but when you smile again, I melt.